Saturday, September 20, 2008

What has been on my mind?

When I first started this blog, I just wanted to write about positive things happy memories and not vent my personal feelings out on the infinite vastness of the Internet. But after some soul searching, where else but in a diary can we write about some of our deepest feelings? So without further adieu here is what's been going on.


Since the middle of the summer I have had several things to think about. Several things have been on my mind. Not to my surprise I had something come up that triggered memories of the past. My 33 yr old niece Heidi called to talk to me, she had some news that may or may not change my life. Heidi is the oldest child of my middle sister Lulu. I knew that Heidi has been going through genetic testing for quite some time. She is a very beautiful intelligent woman that I have had the pleasure of knowing since the day she was born. I have watched her grow from being the tiny baby dependant on her mother for everything to the woman she is today. Heidi told me that this last time her test results came back abnormal. Her doctor gave her a few choices put her on a drug for the next five years so that her body could go into an early menopause and then after the five years are up take her off the drug and maybe her body might come out of the temporary menopause or to have a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. I closed my eyes and didn't hear anything instinctively I realized I had stopped breathing, I took a deep breath and focused on breathing. Several thoughts invaded my mind, not Heidi, I could not bear the thought of loosing another to the murderer cancer. I had lost both older sisters. This cycle could not be happening again! I tried to focus in on Heidi's voice 90% of all women who test positive for having the gene that creates breast cancer die, only 10% survive. Scientists don't know why the 10% never get breast cancer. Heidi has opted to have the mastectomy. I almost had a panic attack, all I could hear was pounding in my ears, I took a deep breath and continued to listen to Heidi. OMG to feel that self mutilation of her body would be the only option. I was having a hard time with accepting this but, I could not let my personal feelings in, I could not influence her decision. For me personally it would be no. I would go the route of other treatments perhaps look into oriental herbs etc. But this was Heidi's decision, it was her body, it was her mind that had to accept the choice. All I could do is tell her how I felt but that I would support her in her decision. If she had a chance she had to know that she did the right thing and that there was someone other than her husband that supported her decision. I told Heidi, that for me personally I could not do it, however, the choice was not mine to make it was Heidi's. I told her I supported her decision. I may not agree with it but I would not be an obstacle.

During the next few weeks I was reliving the last year of Lulu's life, memories, sounds, etc came flooding back in. I thought I had dealt with all of this in the past, I thought it was all folded up neatly and tucked away safe in the dresser drawers labeled, breast cancer. I could not help but focus on this, this was weighing heavy on my mind. My loving DH gave me enough space to dwell on it for a weekend and then told me that I couldn't dwell on it . It was his way of trying to protect me and to keep me from hurting. I couldn't turn it off like that there were issues that kept popping back up that needed to be taken care of before I could move on to functioning again.

In the mean time mom's doctor told her to go the hospital because they could not regulate her blood pressure and she was badly dehydrated. For those that don't know Mom has a mechanical heart valve that is failing, in addition she has a regular heart valve that does not work at all. Her legs swell there is fluid in her abdomen and fluid in her lungs. They can draw off the fluid for a bit but it comes back, and it's coming back faster. She was in the hospital for about 10 days. she has been sent home with oxygen to be used as she needs. One doesn't have to be a an MD to know that her condition is getting worse. She has one valve that not working at all, her blood is not getting enough oxygen, diuretics are not working as well as they did, she's getting weaker, she's walking with a quad cane, and now add the oxygen to it, It's another thing to show her condition is getting worse. She says that maybe she will get better again. I a not sure how much longer she will be around. She's not sleeping allot, but she's still eating which means that she isn't ready to leave yet.

So this has been what has been occupying my mind. There are times when I can't pick up my needles, and there are times when I can't put them down.

1 comment:

ambermoggie said...

Oh Mary:( What a terrible time you are having my friend.
Sending postivie healing thoughts and strength for you and your family
(((((((((((((((Mary))))))))))))))